I realized that I loved you
by Cyn McLyon
Summary: After rejecting John, Paul, seeing him with another man (George) starts to feel that the way he loves John gets different from how it was before...
1. Knowing you, Loving you

July 6th, 1957. Woolton, Liverpool.

-Let me introduce you a friend of mine, he is a great guy, you'll be more than impressed. John, he is my friend Paul, Paul McCartney.

-Hey, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you John, nice show, you guys are awesome!

-Thank you.

-John, as you, Paul plays the guitar extremely well, maybe you should take a look.

-Really? Can I hear something?

-Sure, just tell me what you wanna hear.

-How about _Twenty flight Rock_?

-Of course.

He started to play and I watched him all mesmerized.

His performance was good, I mean, more than good, it was outstanding. The way he played, the way he sung, the feeling through his voice was something I have never heard and felt before. It was very special, it made me feel jealous, but I could tell he was exactly what I was looking for in my band. When he finished, he gave me a smile and said:

-Well, what do you think? Was I good?

-….

-It was great! Damn Paul you are really good! Right John?

-Y.. yes, really good.

-I'm glad you liked it.

-Well how can you say no? That was incredible!

-Thanks Ivan.

-You're right. Paul, that was outstanding, I have to confess that I'm impressed, more than impressed.

-Thank you very much.

-You see? I told you you'll be more than impressed…

And I was. He was better than me, and I was jealous. I was even more jealous when he taught me how to tune my guitar. I just couldn't believe it. I considered myself a good guitarist but after meeting him everything changed. The other members of the band came and we started talking about random things but for me nothing was the same anymore. And then, suddenly, something happened: while talking, I started to look at him, attentively. His hair, his body, his eyebrows, his eyes… He was a very handsome man, and his attitude just made him look even better. Then he looked at me and I just felt the ground disappear of my feet. He smiled and I smiled back, a little confused. What the hell was that! Why was I looking him that way? Why was I thinking of him in such a strange way? Why I got nervous when he look at me with those beautiful eyes? Why was I thinking those things?

As the time passed by, we started getting along better. We talked more, spent more time together and our friendship was getting stronger. We had almost everything in common, which made things easier between us. He was such an incredible man, his way of thinking, the way he composed, the way he talked, it was so like me. I started to look at him as a brother, and I was happy to see that he apparently looked at me the same way. It was like magic.

My life was complicated, and even more after my mum's death. I was a really complicated guy and I had my aunt yelling at me almost all the time about school and stuff like that. I didn't pay too much attention being the rebel I was, not caring about anything, but at that time music was everything for me, and Paul had the same feeling. The time that we spent together was just something impossible to describe, making me feel in a way I never felt before. So comparing the time that I was at home and the time I spent with Paul I saw that the only times when I was feeling good and in peace were the ones that I spent with Paul. He made me feel good, understood, in company. It was just so perfect.

So then I realized everything. It wasn't just friendship, or good things what I was feeling for him. It was more than that, something more powerful, more caring, something special, pure and unique. It was love, I was falling in love. I was falling in love with Paul McCartney.

Liverpool, 1964

-John, are you alright?

-….

-John?... John!

-What? Excuse me, I was distracted.

-Yeah, right. Hey, wanna go out or something? George and Ringo are playing cards again.

-Well, I just wanna lay down.

-How come? You love going out. Is everything alright?

-Yes… I'm just… Guess I'm not in the mood.

-Oh well, I think I'm going out then. Hope you feel better.

-Thank you.

I saw him walking away and my heart sank.

I stood up and looked at him from the window. I didn't want to be mean to him but all this pain was really hard to hold. I sighed and sat down again, thinking sadly. All this years were incredibly awesome, we were the most incredible band ever, we had achieved so much but something was missing. I wasn't completely happy, and I knew very well why. I didn´t have him. I still loved him, but he was absolutely unaware of that, which made my pain even worse. For how long was I going to be able to hide all this? Will I get the courage of telling him the true, my true feelings? I shooked my head trying to make those thoughts away when Ringo came in.

-Hey John, what's up man? You got a headache?

-Not really Rings. I guess I'm a little tired. How was the game? Who won?

-You don't need to ask, it was obvious it was me.

-Really? Congrats son.

-Yeah, It was good. What were you doing? Watching telly?

-Nah, just laid down.

-And Paul? I thought he was with you.

-I saw him walking out. Guess he was going to take a walk.

-You're still mad huh?

-Who? Me? Come on, back off.

-You should have seen his face when he saw I won, it was so hilarious.

-Whatever.

-Get over it George! It was just a game!

-But I'm not saying anything! I'm not even mad!

-Your face tells me something else, right John?

-….

-John, I'm talking to you.

-….

-Hey John!

-You said something Rings?

-What's going on with you Johnny? You didn't pay attention to a word we said.

-Yeah, Is that something we can help with?

-No, thank you George, I'm just a little tired.

-It seems more than that to me.

-No Rings, It's just… just… well I'm confused. Sorry guys but I can't tell.

-Wanna be alone?

-Please don't take it bad lads, but I'd really appreciate it.

-That's alright mate. Come on George, let's watch telly.

-Ok, let us know if you need something.

-Thank you very much guys.

They closed the door and I let my body fall on the bed, I was feeling very sad. My heart was drowning itself and I was all alone in my pain, I felt so lonely, so vulnerable, I was falling for him so deeply that anything could make me do the most unreasonable things. But then my pride came in. I was always a stubborn man, and this thing wouldn't make me fall down. I wasn't supposed to feel that way, it was not fair, there must be a way to get this over, or at least, painless. So I stood up, sighed strongly, and decided that if I was going to feel the same for a long time, then I should get the courage of hold it on, in the strongest way, at least I was close to him, maybe one day he realizes, that I love him. And if not, I'd prefer even his company, but being away and apart from him, never.

I was about go out to take a little walk just to make my thoughts clear again when the door opened and Paul came in. He had a little bag in his hand and a sweet smile for me.

-Thought you may be hungry.

-For me? Indeed I was, thank you.

-You feel better now?

-Yes, way better, just needed some rest.

-I'm glad to hear that, I don't like when you are all sad. It depresses me.

-How come?

-Well, you are my best friend, you are my brother. If I see you sad then I'm sad.

-That was really touching.

-Don't think I don't mean it, I really…

I stopped him with a huge hug. That was all I needed to hear. Maybe he was unaware of my true feelings but his sincere love was all I could ask. In that moment I didn't care if we was in love with me or not, all I needed was to be close to him, feeling him, and his words were exactly what I wanted to hear. I could feel his confusion, but he hugged me back anyway. When I slipped a bit away from him, he looked at me and said.

-Always surprising me.

-Touching is good, don't forget it.

-I won't, I promise.

-Also don't forget that I….

-Yes?

-I… I love you. You are just the best thing that ever happened to me.

-I love you too John – he said smiling –, I couldn't ever asked for more. So don't forget, if you need me, I'll be right there.

-Thank you – I said smiling too.

I knew his love was not the same as mine, but I smiled back anyway. For good or for bad he was the most important thing in my life, and that was all that mattered.

We went to see the other boys and we found them watching telly and laughing enthusiastically, we joined in and we spent the rest of the day watching movies and playing cards, I was feeling very happy, after all, they were my family, and the fact that I was in love with one of them wouldn't let me change any of my feelings for the rest. And for the first time, I smiled happily, feeling inside of me, that loving Paul McCartney was the most amazing thing that could have ever, ever, happened to me.


	2. Making confessions, facing the truth

_I'd like to start saying that I'm really sorry I left this for so long, but I have been in so many things that I couldn't finish writing this chapter. Well, here it is, I'm very sorry for the delay, I hope you like it._

6 months later

We were having the best time in our lives. Touring, recording, writing songs, everything was so incredible. We were such a great band and our records were at the top of the charts. We were recognized worldwide and we were considered as idols. Beatlemania was at its highest and we were having a lot of fun with it.

My situation was still the same. I was loving him with all my heart and he didn't even have a clue. We were still sharing rooms, writing together, going out together and spending time together like we did all the time. I was still holding it on, as much as I can, but something inside of me was telling me constantly that I should take the risk, I mean, telling him what I felt, tell him all, all this things that I was feeling since we met and that was almost driving me crazy.

But making that decision was not easy as it may seemed to be. After alI that time spent together and the things we've been through, I didn't wanna ruin our friendship or even worst, face a rejection from his part. Although telling the truth and being honest would seem like the best thing to do, losing everything in that attempt was definitely something I didn't want, I knew I had to make a decision sooner or later, but I still felt insecure, and, to be completely honest, I still didn't know what to do, what to decide. I felt like divided, like being in front of two doors and not knowing which one I should open. It was really hard.

My relationship with the lads was like always, and I behaved like always too, making jokes all the time, being sarcastic, saying the first thing that came to my mind, being rebellious and charming at the same time, partying all nights, flirting with ladies, all the things that made me the man I was. But even in those situations, I had very clear that inside of me there was something, something that needed a solution, that needed some kind of release. I felt like the most powerful man in the world and, like that, I wanted all my dreams to become true, so that thought came to my head more frequently, like saying "you still have to do it, remember?" so I was always trying to see some ways to make things better or, if I finally decided to give that step forward, see some ways to make that a reality.

As the time passed by, me and Paul specifically became closer and closer, we locked ourselves to compose, play music, came up with some ideas or even discuss, we were together almost all the time, and when we were apart, we were always asking what was the other doing, it was something very beautiful, I felt him closer than ever before, so I loved every single second that we spent together. When I was with him, it was like nothing else in the world mattered, and when he was apart, I missed him terribly, I wanted the hours to pass quickly, so I can be with him again. It was like a necessity, a strong desire that only he can make true, and it was precisely that necessity, that strong feeling, that changed my mind and made me realize that maybe I should give myself a try, that it was time to talk to him, and tell him the truth, what I felt.

So the time passed, the days, the weeks, the months, and my decision of confessing my feelings was getting stronger. I was thinking of some possible ways to have that important conversation and hearing from his mouth those precious words that I've waiting for so long. I dreamt about the moment so many times, I almost tasted it, every night that I went to bed, I dreamt with that moment, me telling him all, and he looking at me so tenderly and accepting me, it was so perfect, so deep… I really needed to tell him, at that time the feeling was stronger than ever, I wished that so badly, we needed to be together, we deserved to be together, we were meant to be together, I felt it that way, it was that way, and then I understood that I shouldn't be wasting more time, all of the sudden everything was clear, it was now or never, the big time had finally arrived, so no more delays, my decision was already made.

So now that I was decided and determined, all that I had to do is to find some time to be alone with him and have that conversation. You may think that it was very easy to find that time being the closer that we were, but, believe it or not, it wasn't that easy. As musicians and very famous people we had a lot of activities during the day, so finding a quiet time to have a decent conversation was kind of difficult. So what did I do? I started to study our movements, so I could see at what time we were kind of free so we can sit down and rest. By that way I would find a time to talk to him for sure.

So, after a few weeks of studying and seeing our routine, I finally found a time to talk to Paul. That day, we were having an interview at a TV show in the afternoon, and after that we had the night free to do whatever we wanted. I was kind of nervous because I was finally going to reveal myself, but I tried my best to control it. The morning passed normally as always and then we were ready to go to the TV station.

And there we were, in the car, going to the TV station. I was looking at the window, thinking of how I was going to start my confession, trying to choose the perfect words for such an important occasion. I was so distracted that I didn't notice Ringo was prodding my arm, trying to take my attention.

-Hey Johnny, what's going on with you boy?

-Nothing, just looking at the window. – I said with a distracted voice.

-So, are you ready for this? – George said a little curious.

-John Lennon is always ready.

-Haha, you and your cocky comments, just lovely.

-Don't even bother Rings, he's not gonna change. – Paul said with a smile.

-Yeah, it's true.

After chatting for a while we arrived to the TV station and we walked in very quickly, lots of police officers were surrounding us in order to prevent any situation with the fans. Once we got the backstage, we fixed any issue with our appearance, make up, we finished some quick details about what to say in the interview and then we were ready to go on live. They called us, announced us, and we slowly entered to the set, saying hi to everybody, hearing lots of girls screaming, one of our songs in the background, all the people going crazy for us. The interview was about to start.

-And here they are, the most popular band of all times, The Beatles!….

After the interview

-So, what do we do now?

-I don't know Rings, should we go back to the hotel?

-C'mon Paul, hell no! I'm hungry.

-Like George, I'm hungry too.

-Well, let's go have dinner then.

We put on our coats, hats, and some stuff to disguise our appearance and we went to a restaurant to have dinner. We were talking and having a pleasant time, kind of celebrating our free night. We spent like 2 or 3 hours there and when we were done we got back to the hotel, to change our outfits and decide what to do for the rest of the night.

We arrived to the hotel almost running, because of the amount of girls waiting for us. We signed some autographs, took some pictures with them and then we went to our rooms. George and Ringo stayed with the fans for a little more, so Paul and I went to the elevator to go to our rooms. In there, I took advantage of the situation.

-So, do you have any plans for tonight?

-Not really, I was going to ask you the same thing.

-Well, how about going to a bar and having some conversation?

-Sounds nice. Um… Are you inviting me?

-Haha, do you want me to invite you?

-Well it's obvious that I can pay my part, but I won't say no if you do, haha.

-Let's go then, I invite. – I said smiling.

-Great!

We got to our rooms and we started to get dressed. When I was ready, I knocked his door to see if he was ready too. He was already ready and was watching some TV show, one of our favorites. We decided to go after the show ended so I stayed with him watching the show. The other lads came back and the four of us were watching the show, but after a while, things suddenly changed.

-I really enjoy that show, it's funny.

-I like it too, for me it's entertaining.

-So, have you decided where are we going?

-Well, I guess downtown, there's a place I like there.

-Have you told the others?

-No, I want to go only with you.

-Is there a reason?

-Yes, I want to tell you something.

-What is it?

-I'll tell you there.

-But…

-We're back! What are you watching? – Ringo opened the door with George behind him.

-That TV show Johnny and I like very much.

-Yeah, I like it too, George, the show has started!

-In a minute! – he said from the other room.

-You like that show too? – I asked with curiosity.

-Yes, when you're not in the room I ask George to come and see it with me.

-And why haven't you asked me when I'm in there?

-Sorry Johnny, I thought you didn't like it.

-Well, now you know, haha.

-In what part is it, did I miss something? – George came back almost running.

-Not really.

-Ouch, my tummy hurts. – Paul said with a hand in his stomach.

-Why? Don't tell me you're hungry.

-No, I guess something is going on.

-Do you want a cup of tea or something?

-That'd be nice, thanks George.

-I'll be right back. – said him getting out the room.

-Do you think it may be something you ate? – Ringo asked worried.

-I don't know, it could be.

-Did you feel bad this morning?

-Nah, I was feeling great, I was fine all day, but after dinner something changed.

-C'mon Paulie, maybe it's just a stomachache, you'll be better in a while.

-Ouch, it hurts, it hurts kind of bad Johnny. – Paul said almost moaning in my shoulder.

-You're worrying me Paulie, what could it be?

-I don't know, but I think it's getting worse…. Ouuuchh…

-Where the hell is George? A cup of tea doesn't take that long. – My worrying was getting stronger.

-You're right, he must've been back already. Feeling any better Paul?

-….

-Paulie, Rings is talking to you.

-… ! ... Excuse me… - he put a hand on his mouth and left the room running.

-What the hell?

-I guess it was pretty bad then. – Ringo said visibly worried.

-You go get George, I'm gonna check on him. – I almost shouted.

Then what happened was just for not to believe it. Paul got really sick and was puking and puking for hours. He even got some fever, so we had to buy some medicine for him, he was feeling really bad. There was no way we could go anywhere with him feeling like that. It was so sad.

After a while, we were in his room, just talking, trying to make him feel better. He wanted me to tell him what I was going to say if we would have gone out right there and I didn't want it, and by his insisting I finally got the courage to do it, but again, faith was not by my side.

-Thanks for being here with me.

-Don't need to say that.

-I can't understand how I got sick like this.

-I guess it was something you ate.

-Fuck! I feel like shit.

-I know, but with the medicine I gave you, you'll feel better.

-Hope it works.

-It will, don't worry.

-John, are you mad at me?

-Why would I? I'm not mad at you, you fool.

-Well, I thought that because we couldn't go out tonight like we wanted.

-Your health is first Paul, don't worry about it.

-Next time I'll invite you, ok?

-I wanna invite you Paul, you don't have to do it.

-Why?

-Because I wanna do it, what I have to say is very special.

-Can you say it right now?

-No, I want this to be special.

-Please, I'd love to know.

-But… I don't know if this is the right time. – I said with a doubtful tone.

-Is it something bad? You're kind of worrying me.

-No, nothing bad I promise. I guess it's something good actually.

-Oh well, I'm really curious now. Can you say it right here? Do it for me, please?

-Mm… Well… Alright you win, but just because you're feeling bad ok? – I said getting a little nervous.

-Thanks! Well, what is it?

-Well, what I have to say is something that I've been keeping for so many years, it happened out of nothing and without me wanting it, I mean, it was not premeditated, it just happened. As you know, we've met a long time ago, we've shared so many things together, we've been through a lot, and something special was born, something pure, innocent, full of just good things, it's just something incredible.

There's a reason – I said making a pause and getting up to walk – why I wanted to tell you this in a special place, because I wanted everything to be perfect, because this is so important, so strong, I'm full of emotions right now, you can't imagine how nervous I am, I've waited for this so long, I imagined different ways to say this, I even dreamt about it, all this time keeping this in silence, hiding it from everyone, and now I'm finally gonna tell you what I feel, it's just amazing Paul. Well, here I go, Paul, what I have to say is, that I,…. I….

-….

I looked at his face and he was peacefully sleeping. I felt kind of awkward. I didn't blame him because he was ill, but I couldn't help feeling sad and frustrated because he couldn't hear me, my chance of talking to him had completely disappeared. I felt so sad, so irritated and frustrated, I was so damn close. Now I had to start all over again. It was very frustrating, but there was nothing that could be done, so it was pointless to get mad.

I came closer to his bed, looked at him for a while, then I turned the lights off and went out of the room, going right straight to mine, I changed my clothes, went to bed and closed my eyes forcefully, trying to battle the anger, trying to relax and just sleep. I could hear Ringo and George happily talking and laughing in the other room but I was definitely not in the mood for joining them. I sighed loudly and let my body get the rest it was looking for, hoping to find another time soon, to say those words I was dying to say, to the love of my life.

A couple of weeks later

As usual, we were between gigs, interviews and recording sessions. We didn't have time for anything else, it was kind of stressing. After that day Paul got sick, we couldn't set another day for going out and talk, so we had our "date" in standby. I tried to make some space in our journey but I couldn't find some decent occasion for such an event like that. I was getting irritated and my mood started to slowly change, but it wasn't too much noticed by the lads. I hated that situation, I wanted to have that date, to be with him, to end with that anxiety. I had to find a way.

And thank the Lord, we had our chance. It was Saturday and we just had one interview after our 4-hour recording session of the day. I was so happy I just couldn't wait for it. Paul was also in a good mood, and we were interchanging looks all over the session, like two kids wanting to finish their homework already so they can go to play. George and Ringo looked at us a little confused, but at the end they didn't mind. Once the session was over and we were going to the interview, all passed smoothly, I didn't feel the time passing, and when I got conscious of the time the interview was already over and we were free to do whatever we wanted. The big time had arrived.

-We finally got some time off, huh?

-Yeah, we were really lucky.

-So, you're feeling better, right?

-Absolutely, like brand new.

-That's good to know, because I'd like to remind you that we have something to do.

-And I haven't forgotten it, of course I remember.

-So, do you think we could go out today?

-Yes, it seems like the perfect time. We don't know when we will have a day like this to do so.

-All right, then it's settled. Tonight we go.

-But why tonight? Can't it be right now? I guess there's no problem if we go right now. The day looks lovely.

-Well, if you put it like that, I guess there's no problem, so let's go right now!

-Great! I'll tell the others, wait for me at the door, all right?

-Ok.

After a while we were already on the cab that took us to a specific restaurant, one that I liked very much. It was a quiet place, where you could stay and talk for hours, perfect for my purpose. I was very happy, because I was finally make my dream true, I was hoping that this time things could work out like I wanted, and nothing turned out wrong, that was my biggest fear.

We arrived and we got out of the car, disguised for not being recognized. We entered the restaurant and seated in a private area, reserved by me. We asked for the menu and ordered our lunch, and once it was delivered, we started talking, and as I said before, the big time had arrived.

-What a lovely place! John I'm impressed!

-I'm glad you liked it. I chose it thinking of you.

-You certainly did it. This place is just beautiful.

-Sometimes I came here when I feel lonely or need some inspiration, it has never failed.

-Yeah, this place is good for writing songs, I guess I'm gonna come here more often.

-Great.

-Well, tell me, I'm dying to know it.

-That much?

-Yes, now I see that for you to bring me here to this beautiful place, then it must be something really important. And if it's important to you, it's important to me, so I wanna know it.

-Yes, and you're right. It's important.

-Good, so then I'm listening.

-Well, what I have to tell you is something that I've been hiding for so long, something that happened unexpectedly, I mean, not on purpose. It's something really beautiful, something that came from the deepest part of my heart, that I've been dying to tell you but now that I can, I….

-Mr. Lennon, can I have your autograph?

A young lady was standing in front of me with a notebook in her hands, she was smiling sweetly and with tears in her eyes. How could I say no? I took the notebook, gave her the autograph and gave the notebook back to her. She also asked Paul his autograph, which he gave almost immediately. Well, that happened all the time considering that we were big music stars, and it was understandable. Once the lady was gone I smiled at him, and I tried to continue with what I was saying but, it was definitely not my day.

-So, as I was saying, there's something I wanted to tell you that…

! Hey girls, he's here! And he's with Mr. McCartney too!

I sighed and smiled slightly. Paul just looked at the girls and smiled. They came to our table and asked for autographs and photos with us. They were like 5 or 6 girls, so imagine how long we took to finish with them. Once they were gone, I tried to go back to my thing but things continued going down.

-That was funny, don't you think John?

-Yes, fans are always that way.

-Yeah, it's always this way, I like it.

-Well, I hope I won't have any more interruptions this time.

-Yeah, I'm very curious, continue please.

-Well, as I was saying, all this thing happened out of nothing, it was like magic, very surprising to me, when I realized it, I felt a little confused, it was kind of hard to me to accept it at the beginning but later I loved every second of it. I'm telling you this things because what I discovered, and what I've wanted to tell you all this years was that I…

-Excuse me, we're from the AZ Channel, can we make both of you some questions?

-Y-Yeah, I don't think that would be a problem, right John?

-….

At this point my mood was starting to change. I couldn't believe my bad luck of that day. I looked at the journalists and Paul, who were already started with the questionnaire. For being honest, I wasn't in the mood for answering questions, but I didn't have another choice since they were already set with the cameras and the microphones and all their stuff. I sighed again and tried to smile and pretend I was enjoying the interview, but inside of me I wanted this thing to be over, so I could finally do what I was there for.

Once they were gone, Paul and me asked them politely that they could leave us alone, because we were having some conversation and we wanted some privacy. They luckily understood and they left us alone, happy for having getting what they wanted. Paul smiled at me, like understanding my feelings and we tried to get back where we were left, but, destiny was clearly not by my side.

-Are you ok?

-Yes, I'm fine.

-I know you, and I can see that something is bothering you.

-Actually yes.

-And I know what it is. I'm really sorry.

-You don't have to feel sorry. You haven't done anything wrong.

-I know, but I understand what you're feeling.

-Thanks, I guess it's not my day.

-But maybe it's my fault, I suggested that we should go out right now, maybe it could have been better doing it at night. I guess you were right.

-Nah, I guess it would have been the same thing.

-I don't think so, but well, here we are, and I don't see anybody around ready to interrupt us – said him looking around.

-Yeah, I guess this time we can continue with no pauses. Can I?

-Please.

-Well I….

-And here we have, the two geniuses of all times, the guys that make the girls scream and lose their minds, please make some noise for John Lennon and Paul McCartney! – and almost instantly all the people there went crazy.

-Holy fuck….

-Oh my god, well, thanks everyone…

Now I was just losing it. My anger took possession of my body and I couldn't stop it. I've tried to say and express all my feelings for Paul and I couldn't believe that things turned out this way, I just couldn't believe it. I felt frustrated, irritated, angry. And I even had to say hello and make silly faces to all this people! For me that was enough. I was fed up with everything right there. I put my glasses on and said hello, so they couldn't see how angry I was. Paul did the same, saying hello and smiling widely. I could see some discomfort in his face but he tried to smile as much as he could. But they didn't stop there, after the little crowd was silent, the host said something that made me feel even worse.

-I know we all be more than glad if this awesome gentlemen could sing something to us, right people? We all want them to sing us a song! Right? Could you guys?

-Yes, yes please! – the people went insane.

Paul and I looked at each other wondering what should we do. He was doubtful, and I was completely not in the mood for singing. We talked a little and then got up and went to the little stage they have prepared for us.

-Do you wanna do this?

-Not really.

-But John, they are our fans, you know they mean so much to us.

-Yes, I'm aware of that. But I really don't feel like doing it.

-I get you, but if we don't do it, there'll be consequences, and George and Ringo don't have to be affected by this.

-Yeah, I guess you're right. Come on, let's do it. And then we go home. I don't wanna be in this place anymore.

-Let's go then.

We sang a couple of songs and then we left, followed by the people and some local press. In the car, we stayed silent. I was very irritated. All this events had ruined my plan. Paul looked at me with a sad expression and didn't say anything, like understanding my feelings. Once we got to the hotel I got out of the car and walk quickly straight to my room, leaving Paul behind. George and Ringo were in the hall chatting and saw the whole scene. Paul stayed with them, I wasn't in the mood of talking about what happened.

After a few minutes, I heard a knock on my door, I didn't want anyone bothering me at that time so I tried to ignore it, but noticing that the person outside continued knocking, I didn't have another choice but opening, and so I did. It was George. We talked for a while and it was exactly what I was needing and looking for.

-Hello George, look, I'm not in the mood for…

-I just wanted to talk to you, it won't be long I promise.

-Well, what is it?

-What's going on with you? Paul was downstairs telling us what happened, he looked worried, is something wrong?

-It's just a bad day.

-You sure?

-What's that supposed to mean?

-John, I know it's not of my business, but I know you, and I can see that there's something troubling you, maybe I'm not as close as Paul to you, but you can count on me too. I just wanted you to know it. Well, I'm leaving. If you need something just call. – he said walking away.

-George wait, please don't go.

-Tell me.

-This day was really awful, I can't believe things happened this way. – I said sitting down on my bed.

-What happened? – He sat down next to me.

-I tried to talk, to say something, but I couldn't. It was frustrating!

-But what was exactly what happened? I'm not understanding anything.

-Yeah, I forgot you didn't know.

-Know what?

-I don't know if I should tell you. Maybe you're gonna tell anyone and I don't want that.

-If you wanna keep it as a secret, you can count on me. What is it?

-Well you know me, so I'm gonna be straight. I'm in love.

-John that's great! Well who is she?

-…. I can't say it.

-Oh, I suppose it's private.

-It's… it's…, George I don't know how to say it.

-Come on man, it's just a girl, don't you think you're overreacting?

-It's not a girl.

-Not a girl? It's… it's a boy?

-Y…. yes.

-And I must believe that it's… it's Paul right?

-Yes.

-I see.

-You don't like that, right?

-Well I don't have anything against it. I guess it's normal and fair to do whatever it takes to the one you love, whether is a boy or a girl. What is important is that your feelings are true and honest.

-Thank you.

-Well, what happened today?

-I tried to tell him. He doesn't know.

-So?

-I was trying to tell him my feelings, and everything went terribly bad.

-You didn't do it?

-I couldn't! We were interrupted by fans, press, even the damn place we were! I couldn't say a thing!

-Gee…

-I feel so fucking frustrated.

-Well, you can always try again, right?

-This was my second try. God I'm so upset.

-I can imagine.

-What am I gonna do George? You don't know how hard it was for me to make this decision, because I was not gonna do it, but I took courage and decided to do it and now this? I mean, Should I keep trying? Or maybe it'd be better to keep those feelings for myself?

-I guess you should keep trying.

-May I know why?

-Because if you don't do it, time is going to pass and maybe Paul will find a girl and get married and you'll be regretting not having told him what you felt, and also, even if all this won't happen, you'll be always wondering what would it have been if you'd told him. And believe me, that's a very horrible feeling.

-But what if something goes wrong? I don't wanna lose his friendship, I feel that's gonna happen if things go bad.

-Then that would be a risk you have to take.

-I'm not sure George, I'm afraid I'm losing him in my attempt of confessing my feelings, I'd die if he leaves me, I couldn't stand it.

-Then you don't love him enough.

-What?

-Yes, you've heard me. You don't love him that much.

-What in hell makes you say that?

-When you love somebody, and I mean true love, you do whatever it takes to be right next to the one you love, no matter how hard it takes, how much you try, no matter the circumstances, no matter anything, the only important thing is that person, and for you, I guess it's not the case.

-But I really love him, he is my entire life.

-Then fucking do it! Don't even hesitate! Just jump out and do it, don't waste more time. Believe me, it's the right thing.

-God George, you left me speechless, you're right. I haven't thought it that way, you're so damn right. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. You can't imagine how much I appreciate this from you, you gave me just what I was looking for, thank you so much.

-Don't worry, I'm here to help.

-George, can I ask you a favor?

-Tell me.

-Can you help me out with this?

-Well, do you have anything in mind?

-Not really.

-Ok don't worry, we'll come up with something. Let's see… - He started to think – How about next Sunday? We'll have the night free.

-You're right, that'll be perfect. But, you know, I don't have anything against Ringo, and I'd like that night to be just the two us alone, you know…

-Oh yeah, don't worry, I take care of him.

-Thank you.

-All right, I'll be downstairs with the lads. If you need anything just call me.

-Ok, you can't imagine how much I appreciate this George.

-Don't worry, I'm your friend, don't forget it.

-Ok.

He went out and I laid down on my bed with a smile. Next Sunday, that day I will tell everything. I was so happy, I couldn't wait for the days to pass. I sighed and I looked up to the window, watching the moon already up in the sky, thinking of him, of how much I loved him, everything. I was so in love. And I was so distracted that I didn't hear the door opening.

-Are you feeling better?

-Y-yeah, I haven't heard you coming in – I said sitting on my bed.

-I wanted to check up on you. You know, I wanted to come a little earlier but I was afraid I may be interrupting you.

-Interrupting? Why would you say that? You know you'll never interrupt me.

-I'm sorry….

-Don't feel sorry, nothing was your fault, I got angry because we couldn't spend the night like we wanted, but you haven't done anything wrong. Trust me.

-Well, that's good to hear. And I'm glad you're not angry anymore.

-I'm not. And thanks to you.

-Me? Really?

-Yes, just by talking to you, you made me feel completely fine.

-I'm glad I can help.

-Always Paul, don't forget it. Oh, I have to tell you something.

-I'm listening.

-Next Sunday, we'll be out one more time. So I'm inviting you to have dinner with me again.

-Sure John I'd love to. But you know, I have a better idea.

-Now I'm listening.

-Why don't we order something and have dinner here? I don't want this to happen again.

-You sure it'll be ok?

-Absolutely.

-Well, it doesn't sound bad. That's fine. All right, we are going to have dinner here then.

-Great.

And that night ended up in the most beautiful way. I was happy, for finally having the chance I wanted so much. Now I was in the countdown, things were just about to happen. I couldn't wait for it. The big day was around the corner and I was counting the days to me this a reality, this time, with no delays.

Sunday, 7:00 p.m.

-So this is it.

-Yes.

-How do you feel?

-Like passing out.

-It'll be ok. – He said smiling – This time everything is gonna work out fine.

-I hope so.

-Just trust in yourself, and you'll see. All right, I'm leaving, Ringo is waiting for me. – He said watching Paul coming.

-Ok thanks.

-Are you ready? I've already ordered.

-Yes, all we have to do is wait for the food. How about having dinner first and then we talk about it?

-That's ok for me. – Said him smiling.

-So the food arrived, we had dinner, talked about random things, having an amazing time. The night passed without any complications, everything was going on fine. So I made my move and started to speak, it was now or never.

-So, as you know, I have something to tell you.

-Yes, I want to know.

-Well, as I've told you before, there's something I've been hiding, something that, at the beginning I wanted to keep as a secret , because I was so scared, I didn't even get it straight, but later I understood and then I got the courage to speak it up. Like I said that night, all this thing wasn't premeditated, or because I forced it to happen, it came naturally, it grew up day by day, year by year, until now. And now that I'm in front of you, just the two of us, like we always enjoyed, I'm finally ready to say this words I've been keeping inside of me all this years, and that I've wanted you to know so long ago, Paul McCartney, I'm in love.

-John…

-Yes Paul, I'm in love, I'm in love with you.

-W-What? What are you saying John?

-You've already heard me.

-You're kidding, right?

-Do I sound like I'm telling a joke? I said it very clear, I'm in love with you. You're the one I love.

-B-But, me? I mean, you know… come on John, don't play with it. Love is a very serious thing.

-And who told you I was lying? I'm telling you the truth, all this years I've been in love with you, and I wanted to tell you, all these days, I've always wanted. I'm in love with you, I love you, all I want in this world is you, to be close to you, to have you here with me forever. For god's sake Paul, I'm not lying!

-I… I don't know how to process all this. Every time I heard your words, I knew you were in love and I swore you were talking about some girl you met around, but me? I mean me? John I'm your friend, I'm your best friend! How can you say you love me?

-I can't answer that! Haven't you heard me! All this thing, all this love happened unexpectedly! When I realized I loved you the way you love girls I couldn't believe it! I was so scared, so fucking scared because I knew you were a boy like me! This isn't easy to say Paul, but I swear every damn word!

-This can't be true John, you can't be in love with me. We are friends, brothers, we've spent so many years together, so many things… I know this is love, but not the love you're trying to explain, you must be confused, yes, that's it! You're just confused.

-I'm not confused Paul, I know very well what I'm talking about. Every time I see you my heart wants to pop out of my chest, when you look me in the eyes all I wanna do is to get lost inside of that beautiful look you have, when you're not around I feel a weird thing inside of me that bothers me, is like a pain, that only goes away when I see you, I can't be far away from you Paul. Now tell me, does it sound to you like I'm confused?

-John, please don't do this, not to us.

-I'm not doing anything! I'm just saying that I love you!

-John, please…

-I love you Paul, I love you more than myself, you're my whole life. I'd give everything I have just to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm love with you and I'll always be, I wanna be with you, now and forever. I want to be with you, make you the happiest man in the world. I really love you. So Paul, my love, stay with me.

-…..

-Love, what's going on?

-…..

-Baby, look at me deep in the eye, I love you, you can see it very well. – I said taking his face with both hands and looking at him straight in his eyes.

-John…. I…. I don't know what to say, I swear I don't have words to express what I'm feeling right now. I thought you were confused but I know you, I can see that you're not lying, and I believe you, I believe every word you said. I just….. – he stands up – Forgive me for not believing you, for me it's hard to get what you're saying but, I see now it's true. As I said I know you, and I love you too, but….

-But….

-I ain't gonna lie, and make you believe something that's not true. John I love you, but not in the same way. I love you as the wonderful brother and the amazing friend you are to me, but nothing more than that. Right now I'm not in love, not with you, not with anybody. I…. I don't know what else to say, I… I'm sorry John, maybe this was not the answer you were expecting from me, but I want to be honest, and this is what I feel.

-…..

-I'm so sorry John, I can't say anything else…. You left me speechless, I….. Fuck John I don't know what else to say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… - tears falling from his eyes – please forgive me, please John….

-Don't say anything else Paul, and don't worry, I understand.

-But….

-I knew something like this could happen, I prayed for it not to, but somehow it did. I'm feeling like a fool but at the same time free for having said it. Even though I'm broken now, I'd like to be with you like we've always been, we still can write songs, compose, do the things we're used to, I don't see any reasons to stop it, don't you think?

-I'm afraid I can't say the same way.

-What?

-John, listen to me, and listen carefully, because I'm not gonna repeat it. After this, all our relationship took a gigantic spin and I can't look at you the way I did before. I'm not gonna say that I feel mad or betrayed for what you've said, because even though it's wrong, it's love in the end, so all I'm gonna say is that I can't look at you and say that I'm cool with it and we can just move on like nothing happened. I'm sorry but I can't. So from now…. It's hard for me to say this but…. I guess it'll be better if we… if we just drive apart, maybe time will tell, but right now, I think it's the best thing.

-You can't be speaking straight Paul, now I'm not believing you.

-I'm not lying, and as I know you, you know me, and you can see very well I'm not lying.

-Paul, I don't want to be far from you, I can't.

-We can't be together John. I can't.

-I don't accept it Paul, I'm not something you can just throw away like trash. I'm not just another man in your life. I'm the one who knows you better than anyone in this fucking planet, you can just leave me alone!

-John, don't make this harder, because it's very painful already…

-No Paul, I won't accept it! I'm not gonna leave you like that! I love you and I'm no gonna give up!

-John, please…..

-You can say whatever you like, but I'm not leaving you.

-Then I'm leaving you. If you don't do it, I will.

-You won't.

-I will John, and I mean it.

-You can't, and you won't. I know you Paul, you may not love me the way I do, but you need me, maybe not as much as I do, but you do.

-Fuck John, don't make this harder that it is! I'm not gonna be with you this way! I can't, and I won't! So I'm asking you, please leave me.

-I won't leave you.

-Shit John! Leave me alone!

-You can swear all night if you want, but I'm not leaving you.

-John, please, it's the best thing, please understand it! Don't make me do what I don't want to do!

-Get it straight into your head! I'm not leaving you! I'm not leaving you because I can't!

-You sure can! And you will, you got it?

-No! You wanna know why? Because I can't live without you!

-Stop it J…

At this time I was just losing it. I took him from his shoulders and kissed him. I felt in heaven from the very first time, and even if it was for just a minute I enjoyed it as much as I could. He of course, didn't like it, so he loosened from me and said those words that, literally killed me alive.

-What the fuck! Are you insane?

-I'm not insane, I'm in love.

-Fucking get it John, we're not gonna be together!

-I love you for fuck's sake! You fucking get it! – I said trying to kiss him again.

-You know what? – He said loosing from me – For me that's enough! I'm not in love with you and I will never be! I won't love a boy never in my fucking life! So you better get used to it, because we won't be the same friends we were before. I want you miles away from me! You got it! I don't want you near me, I don't want to see your face anymore! I won't accept this, I won't! Now get the fuck away from me! Go away!

-You can't be serious…. – Now I was crying.

-Haven't you heard me! Go away! I don't wanna see you again! It's over John! Now go the fuck away!

-You can't be serious Paul… you can't leave me like this….

-I said go away you fucking queer! – He said punching me in the face with all his strength and making me fall on the floor.

-What did you just call me? – I said getting up.

-You've heard me, you're a fucking queer. Only queers can love other boys like you do. And I don't want a queer man in my life. Now if you don't want me to punch you again you better go away!

-All right Paul, you win. I'll go. Call me queer, fairy, make fun of my feelings all the time you want, but you know something? Someday you'll be in love, someday you'll be in my shoes, and you'll feel how hard it is to say this things and how much it kills inside that the other person doesn't appreciate it and even make fun of it. There's nothing else left to say – I said walking to the door – and remember this: I don't know what's gonna happen in your life, but you're gonna regret this. You can count on it.

-What?

-Good bye Mister Paul McCartney, wish you well.

I closed the door and started to run. I don't know how much I ran or how long I ran but all I wanted is to run, to leave my problems with every step I made, I was facing all my fears and I couldn't stand it. I just lost my friend, my brother, my love, I lost everything. All the moments we spent together passed through my head, now they were all gone. I felt free and broken, it was a horrible feeling, I was crying, crying hard. Suddenly my feet crossed and I fell on the floor, hugging myself, crying my life out. I was so in pain, my eyes full of tears, shouting with no voice, shouting his name, calling him, wanting him. I lost him, lost him forever, I couldn't believe it, couldn't accept it, for me it was like having a living nightmare. Once I got my voice back I started to shout, shout with all the force of my lungs, not caring if someone heard me, all I did was that. And I did it until I ran out of voice, my throat started to hurt, I got up, and sadly started my way back. Back to the place he still was at, with all the memories that were no longer there. And I walked, and walked, and walked, until my legs were so hurt that I couldn't walk anymore. So I started to crawl, tears still in my face, with my knees feeling the floor so hard and hurting me, I saw the entrance and George and Ringo there. They saw me and started running at my direction, and all I remember after that is George looking at me and saying:

-John, are you ok?

I opened my eyes and I looked around. I was in my room. I got up and tried to remember what happened. I felt so broken. I looked up to the window and saw the outside. It was raining. Raining like my heart, raining like me. It felt so bittersweet. If that's what he wanted, then that's what he was going to get. And like I made the decision of confessing my feelings, I made my decision that day, watching the rain pouring through the window. I heard the door opening, and I saw George coming in. He had a worried look in his face. I kept looking at the window as we talked.

-So you woke up.

-Yes.

-Ringo is very worried about you. He wanted to come in, but I guess you didn't want that.

-He left me George. He want me out of his life.

-But…

-He didn't care about my feelings, he made fun of it.

-John…

-You know what? He said that I'm a fucking queer, for loving him the way I do.

-I'm gonna punch him in his fuck….

-Just leave it like that, it won't fix anything.

-He deserves it.

-He wants me far away from him. He asked me for it. And you know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

-John, what are you trying to say?

-I'm saying that I'm leaving. I'm leaving this house. If he wants me away from him, then it'll be.

-But what about the band? – He was shocked.

-I guess we won't be able to tour for a while. – I said turning back to him and forcing a smile – I need some time George, I can't go on like this, to be honest I don't feel like I'm here right now, I'm so sad that I don't feel the ground. – My voice cracked.

-I understand – He said hugging me. – And I support you. Whatever you need, just tell me. Try to think that he didn't know what he said, he didn't mean that. It will make your pain less hard.

-I know very well what he said, - I said wiping my tears – and I have it stick in my mind. But don't worry George, I'm a strong man. I'll get this over, even if right now I don't know how. – I started to cry again.

-John, it breaks me to see you like this. Are you sure you will be able to get this over in your own?

-I have to find a way George, all that I know is that if I stay here, I'll die, or I will kill myself. I need to leave.

-What do I tell Ringo?

-I don't know. I can't think right now.

-You're going to tell Paul that you're leaving?

-No, I'm not going to talk with him. I want to, but I'm so deeply hurt by his words. He hurt me so deep, you know, even though I love him, I feel like I can't forgive his words, so I'm not going to talk to him anymore.

-But John, he's your songwriting partner.

-He'll find another. Besides that, he doesn't want to work with me anymore.

-So you've made your decision, right?

-I did. And I want your support. Yours and Ringo's.

-So Ringo is going to find out…

-I don't think it'll be the best thing right now, but I'm sure you'll find something to say to him.

-When are you leaving?

-As soon as I finished packing. Which is what I'm going to start doing right now. – I walked to my closet and started taking my clothes and my suitcase.

-But what about us? We want to know where you'll be at, you can't just leave and leave us with no clues.

-Don't be silly George, of course I'm going to keep contact with you. You'll see, trust me.

-I will.

-You know, I want you, especially you George, to know that I'm so grateful with you for all your support, your words, everything. You are more than just a friend to me, and maybe you haven't been as closed as Paul to me, but with what you did this days for me, you just became more than just a friend. Right now I can say, that you're my best friend. Thank you for everything.

-You're more than welcome. I know you connection with Paul was something different, and I'm very sorry that all this has taken this direction but well, things happen for a reason. I'm glad you can count on me and have me as your best friend, because that's what you've always been for me. I'm proud of you right now, and don't forget it, I'll be always by your side.

-Always?

-Always, my best friend.

We hugged and I cried a little more in his shoulders. After a while, after he was gone, I finished packing, took a shower, got ready, took my suitcase, and I walked down the stairs. I looked up in his direction, wondering what Paul was doing, but I continued walking down, straight to the door. I opened it, looked back again, and I left. As I walked to the entrance, I felt like I was leaving my life back, all my memories, my good and bad moments, what made me the man I was. I forced myself not to cry, to hold back the tears, and continue walking, and as soon as I got to the main door, I looked up to the windows, like saying goodbye to all those things that some days made me happy, when suddenly I saw a face, in one on the windows, looking at me, with a soft expression. It was George. I gave him a light smile, and he smiled back, and for making him feel that I was not going to die in my process to get this over, I gave him a blink and he laughed, then I opened the door and I left.

And there I was, walking, suitcase in my hand, holding back my tears, looking for something that could make me feel better, even though I still didn't feel like myself, not feeling the ground. I got to the train station, got a ticket to whatever city it was available at that time, and took the train. In there, I sat down still holding back my tears, sighing as the train moved. I looked at the window and saw the landscape, and I couldn't hold it back any longer, I let the tears roll back through my face, I closed my eyes, feeling the tears, and even not believing in god so much, I made a prayer. After a while I was no longer crying, feeling sad but at the same time optimistic, with every single kilometer the train passed by. So then I closed my eyes, made a loud sigh, and started to fall sleep, hoping to find in sleep the rest I wanted so much. The rest, time will tell.


End file.
